The Merging Pattern…
WHEN OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS ARISE, YOU MIGHT NOTICE THAT YOU OFTEN SHIFT INTO WHAT HAS BEEN COINED THE "MERGING MODE."
In this mode, your natural inclination leans toward seeking safety and solace through connecting with others, sometimes prioritizing their needs over yours. Instead of nurturing your own inner strengths, you often turn to external sources for validation and support. In this state, the feeling of survival can hinge on maintaining close connections with those in your immediate circle.
It's quite common to observe that during these moments, your conversational side becomes more pronounced, and your primary focus is often on ensuring the happiness and well-being of those within your inner circle.
The Merging Pattern (from the 5 Personality Types by Steven Kessler) transcends conventional personality frameworks like the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs. It casts light on the subconscious safety mechanisms activated when life throws us into turmoil. It's not a label of your identity, but rather a signpost to the obstacles hiding your true self.
Embarking on an inward journey is a commitment that demands time. Yet, grasping a clear vision of your objective makes the route more navigable. Picture finally having a clear path after meandering aimlessly for years. Armed with this map, you'll trace the path leading to your authentic self.
Fortunately, a blueprint exists to unravel the challenges of the Merging Pattern. This blueprint doesn't just clarify the reasons behind why you are stuck in this pattern but also offers strategies for breaking free and re-establishing a bond with your core self.
KEEP READING FOR GUIDANCE ON NAVIGATING THE CAUSES OF THE MERGING PATTERN AND STRATEGIES FOR HONING CHANGE.
The Gifts of the Merging Pattern
heart-centered, compassionate, nurturing, generous
radiate love and energy
masters of connection - life organized by relationships
inclusive
attuned to the feelings of others
good listeners, supportive
great at creating community and bringing people together
focused on nourishment - physical and emotional
Strong right brain functioning, emotionally intelligent
slow to anger and easily forgive others
Examples:
Oprah Winfrey, Marilyn Monroe, the archetypal Good Mother, Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates
How the Merging Pattern might show itself …
You feel emptiness when not connected to someone else
You fear of withdrawal of connection from others
You have thoughts like, “I’m not enough.”
You have difficulty asking for what you need.
You tend to focus on the feelings of others.
You try to keep everyone around you happy.
You either play the victim or the rescuer.
You have a strong inner critic.
You can be touchy-feely.
You are very trusting of others.
You may have trouble setting boundaries or saying no.
Where did the Merging Pattern come from?
The Merging Pattern formed during a time when you were totally dependent upon your mother and caregivers and unable to meet your own needs. During this time, there is a pattern of needing and receiving and whatever happened was not good enough, leaving you feeling deprived and abandoned.
Your sequence was most likely:
I need → I ask → Something bad happens → I feel worse.
This not-getting-enough sequence can happen for many reasons. Maybe your mother was ill or overwhelmed taking care of other children as well. Maybe she had a hard time producing milk. It’s also possible you had challenges with digestion. Likewise, emotional depravation can have the same effect. Any of these would have left you feel empty and not fully satisfied. This can lead to an attitude of anxious expectation.
You may have developed a defensive action where you put your attention on others. This is a defense action to abandon self in the search for love.
I’m right there with you…
I've walked in your shoes. I used to feel stuck in survival mode depending on negative ways to cope. On the days when anxiety and overwhelm felt unbearable, I've felt alone and helpless. It's why I'm so deeply committed to ensuring no mom feels alone on this journey.
As a John Maxwell certified coach and DISC Behavioral Consultant, I’m fascinated by learning about personality and behavioral patterns. I believe that when we can identify our patterns, we can learn to undo them and step into the fullness of who we are meant to be.
Before I learned about my behavioral patterns, I found myself full of anxiety and overwhelmed. One of the things that has helped me out of overwhelm is learning what my blindspots and triggers are.
Friend, I understand the heartache of feeling isolated while trying to navigate the complexities of parenting a child with anxiety while trying to take care of yourself at the same time. I know the weight of silent worries and the longing for understanding and guidance.
And, I want you to know you are not alone in this journey.
Recognizing when you are in a Merging Pattern
Recognizing the signs of being stuck in a Merging Pattern is the first step toward self-awareness. You might find yourself habitually prioritizing others' needs and opinions over your own, struggling to make decisions without external validation, or feeling a loss of personal identity in your relationships. You could also be experiencing a nagging sense that your actions are more about fitting in or avoiding conflict rather than expressing your true self. It’s as if you're wearing a mask that's been molded by the expectations and desires of those around you, and you've become an expert at blending in to ensure harmony, often at the cost of your own individuality and aspirations.
Moving away from a Merging Pattern
Moving out of the Merging Pattern involves a conscious shift from external reliance to internal grounding. Begin by asserting your needs and establishing boundaries, giving yourself permission to say "no" without feeling guilty. Start exploring your personal interests, values, and preferences with curiosity and acceptance. Integrate practices that allow you to connect with yourself, such as meditation, journaling, or spending time in nature. As you cultivate self-awareness and autonomy, you'll notice a gradual decrease in the urge to merge with others’ expectations, and instead, a growing confidence in navigating life on your own terms.
Healing the Merging Pattern
Healing the Merging Pattern is like nurturing a garden back to vibrant life. It requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to face discomfort as you uproot the old behaviors that no longer serve you. Engage in activities that affirm your unique talents and contributions, and seek supportive relationships that honor your authenticity. As you reinforce your self-worth independently of others, you'll experience a reclaiming of your power and identity. Healing isn't a destination but a continual process of becoming more attuned to and aligned with your truest self, enabling a fulfilling life marked by genuine connections and personal integrity.
Feeling like you're always on edge, trying to juggle your own anxiety while parenting a child who's also struggling?
IT'S TIME TO PUT YOURSELF ON THE PRIORITY LIST.
Navigating motherhood is tough, more so when anxiety is the uninvited guest in your home. It's like walking through a fog—you and your child, trying to find each other, to connect amidst the haze. That's where I step in. Think of me as your guide, someone who gets that sometimes, the very success that propelled you in your career seems a world away when trying to soothe an anxious child.
Let's embark on this journey together to clear the fog. I'll help you spot those hidden triggers, the ones that sneak up on you and your child. Understanding is power, and with it, you can start to shift from reactive to proactive, from anxious to secure.
I'm here to show you how to break free from those survival patterns that cloud your motherhood and sense of self. We'll work on healing at the core, so you can both step into the present—into a calmer, more connected way of being. You've got a wealth of resources and resilience within you. Let's tap into that, so you can parent with presence and peace of mind.
Listen & Learn
Dive into The Mental Notes Show podcast. Find relatable advice that speaks directly to you and your challenges.
Other ways to connect…
Join the Community
Join our supportive Facebook community. Share, connect, and learn from other moms who truly get it.
Work with Deanna
Overwhelmed, anxious, and exhausted from parenting a child with mental health challenges? Let’s talk!
Want to learn about the other patterns? Most of us have a mixture of one or two types or can see ourselves in multiple patterns.
→click to read more
The Enduring Pattern
The Leaving Pattern
The Aggressive Pattern
The Rigid Pattern